Write it Down

When I started having children.....actually before that, when I got married, my friend Shelley used to tell me, “Amy, write that down.  You’ll forget.”  

This week was my oldest son’s 18th birthday.  My youngest daughter, age 10 asked me, “Mom, what time was Aidan born?”  I said, “I don’t know. I think some time at night.”  Then the questions kept coming, what about this sibling, and this sibling, and what about me?  I said, “Well, I remember when you were born because I know they were joking around that I was going to be able to eat lunch.  You were born right after lunch.” 

Then I see on Facebook, everyone posting their kids birthdays, with the TIME they were born and I start to say to myself, “when were they born?  I can’t remember.”   

I was never one for writing stuff down, I mean, especially if it was something you didn’t want someone ELSE to know when you die or something.  I tried journaling and I have written down some significant things over the years that I really wanted to remember, but rarely.  And, I actually started blogging for two reasons, so that I could remember things and so that I didn’t have to give the same advice a gazillion times.  But I wasn’t blogging when I first started having children. Were there blogs back then?

I did take my friend’s advice for my children.  I kept little journals during my pregnancy for each one of them.  Some of them have more detail than others.  

This morning I rummaged through my book shelf and produced 4 little journals.  Elise was still in bed and I said, “Okay, Elise, Aidan was born at 2:28PM. I was way off on that one.  Tyler was born at 9:39PM. Look, Daddy wrote that down.  That’s his handwriting.  Avanell was born at 11:21PM. And, you were born at 12:20PM. See, just after lunch.”  

Then I read an excerpt to her, “Elise is the sweetest baby.  We all enjoy her so much.  All her characteristics just make you want to hug her and play with her.”

To which she replied with a teary smile, “Thank you for writing that down.” 

In the Crosshairs

So, I went out for coffee/dessert with a bunch of homeschool moms last night.  We talked about a lot of things, but at one point, we were discussing those homeschool kids who had left the nest and some were asking, “how has their experience been out in the world?”  I have a daughter who is a freshman in college and where I have not heard too many shocking world-exposure experiences from her, there have been a few.  Another woman at the table was sharing some real horror stories that her children had experienced at college and in the workforce.  When we asked her, “wow, really?  So, what do you do?”  She said, “I pray.” 

This morning, I woke up and next up in my reading was Psalm 11.  As I read I thought....wow, she was right, we need to pray.  And, I think God is telling us that our children are in the crosshairs. 

Psalm 11
New International Version 1984 (NIV1984)
    For the director of music. Of David.

1 In the LORD I take refuge.

I take refuge in God and no where else. 
  
 
How then can you say to me:  
   
“Flee like a bird to your mountain. 

2 For look, the wicked bend their bows; 
   
they set their arrows against the strings 
to shoot from the shadows
at the upright in heart. 

3 When the foundations are being destroyed, 
   
what can the righteous do?”

Those around me and even I am thinking these exact things: run away, hide!  Bring them back home!  Look they are just sitting ducks, targets for the evil one!  The wicked have their bows poised in the dark for those who walk upright!  What will happen if the foundation we have laid falls?  What can Christian parents do?

Now just to clarify, Christians do not think they or their children are “righteous”. We are sinners, our only righteousness comes from Christ.   When I think of the righteous in the Psalms, I think it applies to those who are following God and seeking to obey His word as it would apply in the Old Testament.  Even David was a sinner, yet he referred to himself as righteous because of his relationship with God.  The righteous would be the opposite of the wicked who are: 1) attacking God and His People,  2) not striving for righteousness as God has defined it.

4 The LORD is in his holy temple; 
   
the LORD is on his heavenly throne. 

He observes the sons of men; 
   
his eyes examine them.
5 The LORD examines the righteous, 
   
but the wicked and those who love violence 
   
his soul hates. 

6 On the wicked he will rain 
   
fiery coals and burning sulfur; 
   
a scorching wind will be their lot. 
7 For the LORD is righteous, 
   
he loves justice; 
   
upright men will see his face.

Whew!  That’s right, “In the LORD I take refuge!"  He is on His throne and He sees all that is happening and examines each one, righteous and wicked alike.  We can pray to Him when we see arrows pointed at our children.

I suppose, a lesson to those with children still at home, be diligent to teach these things:  that God is our refuge, that He is on His throne, He sees all, He is righteous, He is just, and upright men will see His face  AND PRAY.  Be the person that your children “flee” to for coaching and guidance when that time comes.  An interesting point observed last night, was that these young adults had informed their parents of these experiences they had had.....they were not afraid to come home (or call home) and say, “hey, mom and dad, this is what I heard and saw today.”  Be so close to your children that they are not afraid to share something shocking with you.

It’s hard to sit by and not intervene, but these are our adult children, even if they are still somewhat dependent on us, they need to know that God is in His temple; He is on His throne. THEY need to grasp that God watches the sons of men, both righteous and wicked.  And THEY need to know which group they identify with and follow that path themselves.  Hopefully, they have believed on Jesus in their own hearts and minds and are clinging to Him as they face the world, and if they aren't, we can pray for them.

In the LORD I take refuge.....

The LORD is in his holy temple... 
the LORD is on his heavenly throne.
....
He observes the sons of men..... 
   

Robot Parents

I know my last blog post was about asking for parenting advice.  And I still stand by that encouragement.  Just watch out for legalism, primarily your own.  Let me explain.

I read a lot of parenting books when my kids were babies on up through the years.  Some might consider some of the books and materials I followed as controversial, but I don’t think they really were.  I think what made them controversial was legalistic robot-Christians.  Following advice legalistically without using your own Biblical research, discernment, and common sense is foolish. 

I will give myself as an example.  When we were new parents we listened to tapes from popular Christian-parenting literature of the time, Growing Kids God’s Way and Preparation for Parenting by Gary and Ann Marie Ezzo.   The information was good.  I think many of the principles would be wisely taken by many parents today (things like respect for people and property, gradually allowing independence in your child, etc.) The controversy came in their advice regarding scheduled feedings (and their own legalistic views regarding their own advice, “God’s Way”, and eventually apparently their own pride.  Their material was particularly “cold” as well. )   Their advice for babies was to feed your child every 3 hours on a schedule.  It made sense and it actually worked.  Our first child slept through the night and ate on a schedule by 2 months old.  The problem?  She did not gain an ounce for a month (or was it two?).  Now, I don’t blame the Ezzos or necessarily their materials. Even my pediatrician said, “well, she’s not hungry if she’s sleeping through the night.”  I do think, though, that if I were more in tune with my child and less concerned about a schedule, her weight may have been normal for that time period.  She’s 18 now, with no known eating disorders ; ).   Around that time, accusations started coming towards the Ezzos regarding parents with failure to thrive infants using their materials. 

Really!? If your child is wasting away, you still follow a schedule?  I’d like to think that I was at least smarter than that....maybe I wasn't.  The advice wasn’t bad.  In fact, the advice was good....in PRINCIPLE. 

At any rate, my mistake caused me to come to the conclusion that most advice is just that, advice.  With my subsequent children I did still follow Preparation for Parenting principles, but I was a little wiser.  I made my own modifications (if you're interested in the details, I think I have them documented somewhere).  This did work to gradually shift the “eat now” body clock to the day and the “sleep now” body clock to the night.   It took a little longer with them, but they were still sleeping through the night by 12 weeks or so.....and happy and well-fed babies. 

Another controversial book To Train Up a Child, was given to me when Aidan was about 3 years old (He’s now 16).  Again, the Pearls book became controversial  fairly recently when the book was found in the home of parents who abused and beat their child TO DEATH. 

Really!?  You beat your child supposedly based on someone’s advice so far as to kill him or her?   This is not even robot behavior.....they were most certainly NOT following the Pearls’ advice.  I'm not sure if this is the parent's testimony or if it was just the media grasping for the “why” in the minds of abusive parents and finding the book in their home as a clue. 

I saw the Pearls’ materials as a major milestone in my relationship with my children.  People isolate and criticize their teaching on spanking, but what I really noticed in their newsletters and other materials was the relationship they had with their children.  And the extremely convicting articles that they wrote to parents challenging them, not to beat their children, but to repent and change themselves and their own thinking.  That “tying strings of fellowship” with your children was by far, the most important thing.  I was really struck by the encouragement to invest in my children.   They didn’t say, “make your children do chores”.  They said, “do chores with your children.”  Their methodology advice is loaded with principles of relationship.  I realized that my relationship with my children was not what it should be.  I was selfishly just trying to manage them instead of investing in them, training them, enjoying them.  I had my own behavior issues, specifically anger.  The Pearls told me I was the problem (well, not personally).  I never concluded that I had to discipline my children more, I concluded that I needed to realize that I had the power to change me and I should do so.

Their books also helped me to see practically and creatively, how I could train and discipline my children.  After implementing their ideas AND changing myself, I realized that I hardly ever spanked my kids anymore. I didn’t see much change in my kids until I wasn’t such a pissy-parent any more!  Now, my teens are a little resentful that their little sister is hardly ever spanked.  Sorry, it took me a while to change kids...so sorry.  Thankfully, they are laughing at me now, instead of hating me.

Those are only two of the many, many books that I read over the last 18 years, but definitely the ones I learned from the most.....for bad and for good.  Here are a few others (and there were many more.)
 
Shepherding a Child’s Heart  by Tedd Tripp. A great principle book, as I said in my other blog post.  He hits the nail on the head in that parenting is about the heart....but such a difficult thing to know how to implement, because it IS about the heart!  

Say Goodbye to Whining Complaining, and Bad Attitudes in you and your kids! - by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller.  A book about teaching respect in the home, also focusing on family relationships.  No corporal punishment mentioned (that I can remember.)

Making Children Mind without Losing Yours by Kevin Leman.  A natural consequences book. 

Age of Opportunity by Paul Tripp.  Don’t remember much about this book.

Bringing Up Boys by James Dobson.  What it says.

Changing Your Child’s Heart by Steve Sherbondy.  Using tools (chores and tasks, mainly) to change a child’s attitude.

For Parents Only by Shaunti Feldhan.  A poll of the insights and opinions of teenagers of all backgrounds.  Very enlightening.

After all of this reading, I found (in some cases it was NOT included in the book!) the most essential element of parenting is relationship, relationship, relationship.  Building relationships is difficult to teach.  You can give specific ideas for the robot-parent to follow, but it comes down to a parent’s heart for their child and what they DO with that.  Tedd Tripp’s book does teach about this and yet I could not apply it at the time I read it.  I think my kids were too young; I could not see practically how to implement it.  Maybe I need to re-read it.  It was the stories of love and investment in the Pearl’s materials that made me see what I was missing, that convicted me, but I did read that when my kids were a little older.

I also found the biggest deterrent to a good relationship, parental hypocrisy.  Find it and repent.  I saw this in many articles and letters that the Pearls answered in their newsletters and also in the book Already Gone by Ken Ham.  Interestingly, Ham’s conclusion as to why the church is losing children to the world was lack of teaching about origins, but the raw data in the back of the book, I thought,  told a different story as to why kids leave the church - parental hypocrisy. 

The early years were filled with training experiences and quite a few spankings (especially for the boys), but they were also (eventually) filled with an investment of time.....lots of time.  Time spent in our own little stories that built our friendship. Yes, friendship.   Now, three of them are teens and our fellowship is sweet (okay, mostly we laugh....still sweet.)

One friend when praised for her older daughters’ faithfulness to the Lord, righteous living, good choices, etc always says, “Oh, they still struggle and face temptation.  I pray for them every day.”   Another investment, perhaps more essential than all others.   

My story is far from over.  I cannot rest, but must continue to repent, invest, and pray.

Parenting: The Best Advice You Can Never Give

You can’t really give parenting advice anymore.  People get really offended.  You can give broad principle-oriented advice, but you can’t say, “hey, you really should do this.”  or  “you know, he wouldn’t do that if you did this.”   There are a few people you can give parenting advice to, but you really need an invitation to do so.  I have maybe 2 friends I can give parenting advice to freely.

I remember as a young parent asking “yes, but HOW?” to the Shepherding Your Child’s Heart principle stuff.  (My apologies to Tedd Tripp, great book, but I’m a practical gal.)  That lead me to To Train Up Your Child.  Fortunately, I didn’t read any reviews beforehand!  I didn’t know HOW to be consistent.  I didn’t know HOW to address a lot of issues. 

Truly there is a balance between principle-parenting and practical-parenting. (And I do think that the Pearls focus more on correcting PARENTS and addressing their relationship with their children than they do on spanking in their materials as a whole. I will take some time to review some parenting books in later blogposts.)  


People believe that parenting is a very subjective thing but really some aspects are very objective.  They must be, because we all sit in judgment of other people’s parenting, don’t we?  Or we sit in judgment of other people’s kids.    

Proverbs 20:11 "Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right."

Truly, a kid’s character is easily discerned after spending some time with them.

You can deny that you judge other people’s parenting and kids....but you know you do.  At least in your own thoughts:  “That kid is such a brat!”, “Doesn’t she see that he has taken 10 things off the dessert tray!”, “Hey!  I almost ran that kid over.  Where are his parents?”  You know, those thoughts.

To what extent is a child the product of his upbringing and to what extent is he/she who she is because of his/her innate soul, personality and character? 

I am thinking about 50/50.  That’s my guess: 50/50.

Even if I’m wrong on my ratio (which I probably am), why not take someone’s advice for addressing the 50 or whatever % that you are responsible for?  It will increase your chances of being a better parent. Ask someone that you trust to be honest with you about your parenting.    We all see each other’s faults and are often blind to our own.  It’s time to ask for advice and not become defensive, but be willing to look at ourselves and say, “hey, they’re right and I’m going to do something about it.”

There are many kinds of parents:

The Clueless Parent:  The parent who is oblivious to their child’s behavior.  Even if they are made aware of it, they still manage to miss most misbehavior issues. 

The Hypocritical Parent:  The parent who sees the issues and talks like a disciplinarian, but they never actually do anything to address their child’s behavior. 

The Uptight Parent:  The parent who sees a problem and blows it way out of proportion, making a good display for others and trashing their kid publicly in the process. 

The Excuses Parent:  He /she is __________.    This parent always has a crutch or label to blame for not parenting their child properly. 
 
The Helpless Parent:  The Parent who has no control and is distressed by the little tyrant they have allowed to rule over them.

The All-Around Parent:  The parent who is light-hearted when appropriate and strict when necessary.  The parent who knows their child and their child has a secure relationship with them.

I am assuming that all parents love their children! Even the worst parent will at least say they love their child.  Discerning one’s own selfishness in loving a child, is another question altogether.  What sacrifices are you willing to make in order to truly love and parent your child properly?

What kind of parent are you?  There is no real science to my labels....I’m just thinking out loud, but I am sure you can identify other parents that fall into those categories, but can you identify yourself? 

There is a wealth of parenting advice out there, but not all of it good, not all of it is right, and not all of it works. Whose children do you admire?   Whose parenting do you aspire to?  What All-Around Parents do you know?  Ask them to mentor you, advise you.  Give them permission to point out your weaknesses. 

There are parents whose parenting I did not respect and everyone could see the writing on the wall.  Most of the time no one talked about it (that would be gossip), and no one said anything to them (that would be nosey), but we all knew.  Sadly, what we saw coming, came to fruition.  They were very proud.  We could not say anything, anyone who did was rejected.  These parents are humbled now, but at a great cost.  They lost their child.  They lost 100%.  They lost their relationship with their child.  You knew it was their fault.  And I’m not just talking about permitting disobedience, I’m talking about parental hypocrisy and lack of love in child-rearing. 

I will make a caveat here that some people may feel like they have lost their children, as Christians (I don’t mean that as a salvation label, but an outward-living label), because of some sinful decisions or lifestyle choices their children have made. But they still have their child 100%.  How can that be?  Because they truly have taken care of their 50% and so the relationship stands firm regardless of the difference of opinion or beliefs between parent and child.  The child still trusts the parent, even if the child has been diverted in their 50%.  (And there is still hope that they will be 100% for Christ at some point in their lives!)

Some people might read the above and say, “yes, that’s what happened to me!” Still, examine yourself closely, ask others if you are at fault....repent of your mistakes.  Especially to your child.

As a young mother, I had three women I respected and trusted to give me parenting advice.  They discipled me and often gave unsolicited advice. I trusted them because I watched them parent and I saw their kids grow up with character I admired.  I saw them (parents and children) make mistakes and humbly accept advice from others that had gone ahead of them. 

I’m not there yet, but I want to be that kind of parent.  How about you?  What kind of parent do you want to be?